Holiday Jokes

“The New Fathers”

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!” He replied.

The Top Ten Things That Your Father Will Never Say

The Top Ten Things That Your Father Will Never Say

#10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

#9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

#8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.

#7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car …GO CRAZY.

#6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

#5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

#4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies…you know that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

#3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring…now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

#2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

AND the number one thing you will never hear your father say is:
#1. Father’s Day? Aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

~Happy Fathers Day~

The Out House

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. His family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it.

It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that stinky old outhouse— into the creek.

One day after a large spring rain, the creek was badly swollen so the little boy decided today was the perfect day to push the outhouse into the creek.

So, he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

Later that night, his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked “why Dad?”

The father replied, “someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?”

The boy answered “yes.”

Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”


A Letter From Dear Old Dad

A student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

He didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home, until day—he received the following message from his father:

“Dear Son,
Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter.
Of course, we were much younger then, and a lot more impressionable!

Love, Dad.”


A Day At The Beach With Dad

A Day At The Beach with Dad

A father was enjoying with his five-year-old son at the beach.

Suddenly, the boy pointed to a dead bird and asked his father, “Dad, what happened to this bird?”

The dad coolly replied “Oh this? He just died and went to Heaven,”

The little boy thought for a moment and then said, “Oh My, did God throw him back down?”


Aminal Crackers

Animal Crackers

A mother and her small son returned from the grocery shop and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “So, I’m looking for the seal…”



The Ten Principles of Motherhood

The Ten Principles of Motherhood

1. To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
2. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
3. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O a tree.
4. Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
5. There are three ways to get something done:

  • Do it yourself
  • Hire someone to do it
  • Forbid your children to do it

6. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
7. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
8. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
9. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have small children.
10. Kids really brighten a household—they never turn off any lights.